Q: Dear Sadie,As an assignment, I'm trying to track down the very first person who saw a big white thing come out of a chicken's rear and thought, "hmmm, I think I'd like to eat that."Can you help?
-Rancid peanut butter
A: Dear RPB: Holy Crap - How dare you ask a question like that? This is a public radio show. Also, that's what the person probably said, "Holy Crap." Not, "I think I'd like to eat that." I'm not even sure how to begin answering such a question. Though I'd begin by looking for someone who appears to be constantly brushing his or her teeth. Now be on your way, sicko!
-DR. Sadie
Friday, April 27, 2007
rudy v sadie, part II
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie,
I see that Rudy now has his own advice show .
Do you feel he will able to compete with a legend in broadcasting such as yourself ?
Do you have any words of advice for him?
-Faithful Listener
A: Faithful, I am not worried. Rudy will be bored within two weeks and then say something stupid the likes of which will make Don Imus blush. Something like: I'd rather date an ipod than a girl. Gross!
-DR. Sadie
I see that Rudy now has his own advice show .
Do you feel he will able to compete with a legend in broadcasting such as yourself ?
Do you have any words of advice for him?
-Faithful Listener
A: Faithful, I am not worried. Rudy will be bored within two weeks and then say something stupid the likes of which will make Don Imus blush. Something like: I'd rather date an ipod than a girl. Gross!
-DR. Sadie
rudy v sadie in space
Dr. Sadie,
Your fame for giving great advice has reached far from the Earth, and now we wish for an opinion from you. How do you feel about Rudy Park starting his own talk show? In our opinion, we feel that if Rudy even thinks he can get away with creating his own talk show, he'd be better off in outer space...even more than us!!!
- The King Martian and his Green Men from Mars PS - We think your talk show rocks!!!
A: Dear Martians, let me first respond in your native language: #(*^*&# 2#^*^&@^*. Oh wait, that's just one long curse word in English. Never mind. What I mean to say is this: my talk show will rule the known universe, and beyond. Rudy will never get his show off the ground because he has no attention span or discipline and he smells like composte. He stinks so bad you can smell him over the airwaves. The FCC should fine his armpits! Wait, what was the question?
-DR. Sadie
Your fame for giving great advice has reached far from the Earth, and now we wish for an opinion from you. How do you feel about Rudy Park starting his own talk show? In our opinion, we feel that if Rudy even thinks he can get away with creating his own talk show, he'd be better off in outer space...even more than us!!!
- The King Martian and his Green Men from Mars PS - We think your talk show rocks!!!
A: Dear Martians, let me first respond in your native language: #(*^*&# 2#^*^&@^*. Oh wait, that's just one long curse word in English. Never mind. What I mean to say is this: my talk show will rule the known universe, and beyond. Rudy will never get his show off the ground because he has no attention span or discipline and he smells like composte. He stinks so bad you can smell him over the airwaves. The FCC should fine his armpits! Wait, what was the question?
-DR. Sadie
questions for sadie
Q: Ms. Cohen, How old are you? What color was your hair before you got old? What is it now? Who are your parents? Are they still around? Do you have any children? If so any grandchildren? How are you related to Rudy? You have an interesting figure, how do you keep it up? And finally Sadie will you ever find true happiness again?
- Joe
A: Dear Joe, I will share these secret answers only with you.
How old are you?
- A lady never tells.
What color was your hair before you got old? What is it now?
- It has been gray since my birth. When I was delivered, the doctor said I looked like a cute little suffragette, and I punched him in the jaw
Who are your parents?
- The identity of my parents is a military secret, though I don't mind telling you some generalities. My father was a dashing former president of the United States or a Railroad or Automobile magnate, or a New York firefighter, or the Coney Island hotdog eating champion, or Einstein. It's not clear because my mother was a gorgeous lass and early go-go dancer who had no patience for men and their whiny ways and tossed them out as quickly as she collected them, especially with their whiny theories of relativity. She was my hero and I despised her, and no counselor can convince me otherwise.
Are they still around?
- Their DNA has been saved and they are part of a genetic experiment, but I can't say more (because of copyright conflicts with the owners of the Rudy Park comic strip; they own the rights to my parents' story. Look for future plots along these lines)
Do you have any children?
- Numerous ones. We do not keep in touch.
If so any grandchildren?
-Yes, and one of them was on this season's American Idol. Can you guess which?
How are you related to Rudy?
- This is a mean and unecessary question. Rudy and I are not relations. I was briefly his aunt when I married Mort. But the only good thing about Morty's death is that it freed me of any familial connection to that loathsome whiner. If I ever find out I'm related to Rudy, you will hear the screams on Mars.
You have an interesting figure, how do you keep it up?
- loads of carbs.
And finally Sadie will you ever find true happiness again?
I'm happy you #(*^*& jerk! What makes you think I'm not #*^& happy?!
-DR. Sadie
- Joe
A: Dear Joe, I will share these secret answers only with you.
How old are you?
- A lady never tells.
What color was your hair before you got old? What is it now?
- It has been gray since my birth. When I was delivered, the doctor said I looked like a cute little suffragette, and I punched him in the jaw
Who are your parents?
- The identity of my parents is a military secret, though I don't mind telling you some generalities. My father was a dashing former president of the United States or a Railroad or Automobile magnate, or a New York firefighter, or the Coney Island hotdog eating champion, or Einstein. It's not clear because my mother was a gorgeous lass and early go-go dancer who had no patience for men and their whiny ways and tossed them out as quickly as she collected them, especially with their whiny theories of relativity. She was my hero and I despised her, and no counselor can convince me otherwise.
Are they still around?
- Their DNA has been saved and they are part of a genetic experiment, but I can't say more (because of copyright conflicts with the owners of the Rudy Park comic strip; they own the rights to my parents' story. Look for future plots along these lines)
Do you have any children?
- Numerous ones. We do not keep in touch.
If so any grandchildren?
-Yes, and one of them was on this season's American Idol. Can you guess which?
How are you related to Rudy?
- This is a mean and unecessary question. Rudy and I are not relations. I was briefly his aunt when I married Mort. But the only good thing about Morty's death is that it freed me of any familial connection to that loathsome whiner. If I ever find out I'm related to Rudy, you will hear the screams on Mars.
You have an interesting figure, how do you keep it up?
- loads of carbs.
And finally Sadie will you ever find true happiness again?
I'm happy you #(*^*& jerk! What makes you think I'm not #*^& happy?!
-DR. Sadie
me-n-sadie?
Q: Dear Sadie, I love your voice on the radio. In fact, I have fallen in love with you. What can I do? I think we would be the perfect couple. I do not snivel.
-David
A: Dear David, you are a kind and well-mannered gentleman. And you know the one thing a lady needs most: a non-sniveler. I wish more of you out there sent messages like this, which ask for advice whilst acknowleding that my voice is like a warm breeze gently caressing the airwaves as I dole out well-meaning counsel. As to what you and I can do about your feelings. Here's my response: keep your greedy hands off me you insensitive no-necked creep! don't you realize i'm still in mourning over the loss of what's-his-face!?
Thank you for writing.
-DR. Sadie
-David
A: Dear David, you are a kind and well-mannered gentleman. And you know the one thing a lady needs most: a non-sniveler. I wish more of you out there sent messages like this, which ask for advice whilst acknowleding that my voice is like a warm breeze gently caressing the airwaves as I dole out well-meaning counsel. As to what you and I can do about your feelings. Here's my response: keep your greedy hands off me you insensitive no-necked creep! don't you realize i'm still in mourning over the loss of what's-his-face!?
Thank you for writing.
-DR. Sadie
Where a lady lives
Q:
Dear Dr. Sadie,
If you could live anywhere in the world....would you?
-Yours Truly, Tim
A: Tim, as you may have surmised. As a desirable young lass, I lived in many exotic places, either with wealthy and accomplished suitors, or fleeing from them (or the authorities). I have loathed many of those places equally, with their perfect temperatures and gorgeous residents and whiny rich people. What I'm looking for in a home now is any place where there is a general understanding that I am superior in all ways to the people around me. That is another way of saying: happiness doesn't come from where you are, it comes from the inside of other people around you. Or Maine.
-DR. Sadie
Dear Dr. Sadie,
If you could live anywhere in the world....would you?
-Yours Truly, Tim
A: Tim, as you may have surmised. As a desirable young lass, I lived in many exotic places, either with wealthy and accomplished suitors, or fleeing from them (or the authorities). I have loathed many of those places equally, with their perfect temperatures and gorgeous residents and whiny rich people. What I'm looking for in a home now is any place where there is a general understanding that I am superior in all ways to the people around me. That is another way of saying: happiness doesn't come from where you are, it comes from the inside of other people around you. Or Maine.
-DR. Sadie
itchy and nookie
Q:
Dear Sadie
Your’re hot! What tips can you give to my wife to keep her youthful tone?
-Itchy
A: Itchy, you have excellent taste in women. My advice to your wife would be to run from you every time you try to cuddle with her. This will give her excellent fitness, keep her weight down, and, because you'll have trouble getting the nookie you naughty men so badly want, she'll continue to look ever more desirable. Good luck, itchy!
-DR. Sadie
Dear Sadie
Your’re hot! What tips can you give to my wife to keep her youthful tone?
-Itchy
A: Itchy, you have excellent taste in women. My advice to your wife would be to run from you every time you try to cuddle with her. This will give her excellent fitness, keep her weight down, and, because you'll have trouble getting the nookie you naughty men so badly want, she'll continue to look ever more desirable. Good luck, itchy!
-DR. Sadie
evening gown advice
Q: Yo, Sadie!!
So, if I get a fishtail evening gown, how do I dance without tripping on the hem?? This is of extreme importance...
-Happy Feet
A: Happy Feet, I have had this problem many times. Once, at the start of the Korean War, I was invited to a certain aircraft carrier which shall go unnamed by a certain general who shall go unnamed but who rhymes with General MacParthur (and who took a certain fancy to me). I was invited to attend a dance on the ship for executive officers and their dates. Mid soiree, I got bored with the general's advances and I snuck up to the command center. Whilst snooping with the ship's steering, I slipped on the end of my dress, was caught, and spent two years in the brig. I always wished I whould have brought a safety pin to tuck up the bottom of my dress. I'm sure this helps immensely. I think you'll be okay if you dance on land, rather than at sea.
-DR. Sadie
So, if I get a fishtail evening gown, how do I dance without tripping on the hem?? This is of extreme importance...
-Happy Feet
A: Happy Feet, I have had this problem many times. Once, at the start of the Korean War, I was invited to a certain aircraft carrier which shall go unnamed by a certain general who shall go unnamed but who rhymes with General MacParthur (and who took a certain fancy to me). I was invited to attend a dance on the ship for executive officers and their dates. Mid soiree, I got bored with the general's advances and I snuck up to the command center. Whilst snooping with the ship's steering, I slipped on the end of my dress, was caught, and spent two years in the brig. I always wished I whould have brought a safety pin to tuck up the bottom of my dress. I'm sure this helps immensely. I think you'll be okay if you dance on land, rather than at sea.
-DR. Sadie
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
hunting the right way
Q: I need ur advice on somthin' -- I want to go hunting but everytime I get a chance something comes up what should i do?
sincerely
-Ima Redneck
A: Dear Ura Redneck, I don't believe in hunting. I believe in a fair fight. And so do you. The reason you keep procastinating hunting is because what you believe is fair and right is a boxing match. Get a pair of 4-pound gloves -- and a set for whatever animal you want to hung (elk, bear, tazmanian devil). Do the right thing!
-DR. Sadie
sincerely
-Ima Redneck
A: Dear Ura Redneck, I don't believe in hunting. I believe in a fair fight. And so do you. The reason you keep procastinating hunting is because what you believe is fair and right is a boxing match. Get a pair of 4-pound gloves -- and a set for whatever animal you want to hung (elk, bear, tazmanian devil). Do the right thing!
-DR. Sadie
reader complaint
Q: Ummm... Haven't you just about played this one out?
-Gary
A: WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED, YOU @%*^&^ WHINER!
-DR. Sadie
-Gary
A: WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED, YOU @%*^&^ WHINER!
-DR. Sadie
how can I be like you?
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie,
I would like to have my own advice show on the radio just like you. What advise do you have for a young hopefuls who wish to follow in your footsteps ?Thanks,
-Cris in Albion
A: Cris, excellent question. One word: practice. I would like to see you give advice to some of my readers. Their questions are posted here on the site. Please use the commentary buttons to add your advice to mine. Remember, of course, that my advice is perfect and impossible to improve upon. But give it a try. And always apply the three crucial elements of compassionate advice giving: listen, take the inquiry seriously, mock the person relentlessly.
-DR. Sadie
I would like to have my own advice show on the radio just like you. What advise do you have for a young hopefuls who wish to follow in your footsteps ?Thanks,
-Cris in Albion
A: Cris, excellent question. One word: practice. I would like to see you give advice to some of my readers. Their questions are posted here on the site. Please use the commentary buttons to add your advice to mine. Remember, of course, that my advice is perfect and impossible to improve upon. But give it a try. And always apply the three crucial elements of compassionate advice giving: listen, take the inquiry seriously, mock the person relentlessly.
-DR. Sadie
money grubber?
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie, My wife and I have been married for almost fifteen years. Ever since the wedding, she's stopped having sex with me. I'm starting to think that maybe she was just using sex in order to get me to marry her so she could have access to my millions. What do you think?
-CJ - Boring, OR
A: CJ - these sorts of questions always make me blush. I don't like to use the "s" word and I'm only slightly less comfortable with the "m" word (you know, the thing that two people do when they get committed for life in the presence of their friends and family, and then have lots of appetizers). That said, if you've made it 15 years without "s" then probably you are pretty comfortable with the other "m" word, the "s-l" concept and "d," "o-e" and "w" a lot of jeapardy. Does that make sense?
-DR. Sadie
-CJ - Boring, OR
A: CJ - these sorts of questions always make me blush. I don't like to use the "s" word and I'm only slightly less comfortable with the "m" word (you know, the thing that two people do when they get committed for life in the presence of their friends and family, and then have lots of appetizers). That said, if you've made it 15 years without "s" then probably you are pretty comfortable with the other "m" word, the "s-l" concept and "d," "o-e" and "w" a lot of jeapardy. Does that make sense?
-DR. Sadie
shedding monkeys
Q: Sadie being the lady of top notch knowledge and experience, how can I get a certain monkey to stop leaving his peales all around the house and in the car, just about everywhere???
-John
A: John, are you sure your name is John? Are you sure this isn't Rudy? The answer is easy. Stop feeding the monkey bananas. Monkeys are primates and that means they crave the same thing as the rest of us -- Taco Bell. Get him a Burrito Surpreme. But take the wrapper off first. Nutrition First!
-DR. Sadie
-John
A: John, are you sure your name is John? Are you sure this isn't Rudy? The answer is easy. Stop feeding the monkey bananas. Monkeys are primates and that means they crave the same thing as the rest of us -- Taco Bell. Get him a Burrito Surpreme. But take the wrapper off first. Nutrition First!
-DR. Sadie
An essential (perhaps THE essential) question
Q: Dear Dr Sadie, I've been married for almost 24 years, we've been together about 30. Besides Coach bags, what would be a good anniversary/Birthday present for my wife? How many Coach items does 1 Woman want?
-Lewis
A: Lewis, I'm glad you've asked this question. I've been waiting for someone to ask. The short answer is that there is one thing a woman cannot have enough of: handbags. Why? Is it because a handbag is a singular expression of our individuality? Is it because we need different accessories for different occassions? Is it because styles change and we change with them? Of course. All these are true. But not as true as this: A lady is only as versatile as the number of handbags she has with which to whack fresh suitors. Get handsy with me, fella, and I'll hit you right in the choppers with my Coach Bag. And that goes double for husbands! Still, I thank you for your fine inquiry.
-DR. Sadie
-Lewis
A: Lewis, I'm glad you've asked this question. I've been waiting for someone to ask. The short answer is that there is one thing a woman cannot have enough of: handbags. Why? Is it because a handbag is a singular expression of our individuality? Is it because we need different accessories for different occassions? Is it because styles change and we change with them? Of course. All these are true. But not as true as this: A lady is only as versatile as the number of handbags she has with which to whack fresh suitors. Get handsy with me, fella, and I'll hit you right in the choppers with my Coach Bag. And that goes double for husbands! Still, I thank you for your fine inquiry.
-DR. Sadie
worLd peace and profits
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie,
OK, this is really, really important. What can I do to achieve word peace in our time while still making a huge profit from it?
Peace be to you,
- George
A: George, I presume you mean "World" peace though you wrote "word" peace. Can you write back and clarify? If you mean "word" peace, I probably can't help you. If you mean "World" peace, the answer is to simple: invent technology that causes people to drop into a happy nap everytime they pick up a firearm or other weapon. This will lead to world peace. Then, whenever someone gets frustrated that they can't get angry without napping, offer to sell them a napping mat with spikes to put under the feet of their enemies. It's so simple that I can't believe no one else has thought of it. please include me on the patent.
-DR. Sadie
OK, this is really, really important. What can I do to achieve word peace in our time while still making a huge profit from it?
Peace be to you,
- George
A: George, I presume you mean "World" peace though you wrote "word" peace. Can you write back and clarify? If you mean "word" peace, I probably can't help you. If you mean "World" peace, the answer is to simple: invent technology that causes people to drop into a happy nap everytime they pick up a firearm or other weapon. This will lead to world peace. Then, whenever someone gets frustrated that they can't get angry without napping, offer to sell them a napping mat with spikes to put under the feet of their enemies. It's so simple that I can't believe no one else has thought of it. please include me on the patent.
-DR. Sadie
Friday, April 20, 2007
stinky spouse
Q: My husband, a mechanic, goes days without showering and summer is coming here in Texas- any suggestions?
-Elaine in Austin
A: Elaine, this is interesting. I thought I smelled something funny coming from Texas and all this time thought it was barbecue. Turns out ot have been your husband. This is a tricky situation. The obvious solution is to pour a bucket of soapy water onto him while he sleeps (I'm sure you've thought of that). But it will get your bed wet. A better thing to do is to stop showering yourself. Then go for regular long walks or maybe take up marathoning and sweating to the oldies. I know this will only make things smell worse around the house, but, in the long run, the only way to defeat a stinker is to out stink them. Another option is to play a game I like to call: "Want to get some nookie? Then time to get hosed down in the backyard!"
-DR. Sadie
-Elaine in Austin
A: Elaine, this is interesting. I thought I smelled something funny coming from Texas and all this time thought it was barbecue. Turns out ot have been your husband. This is a tricky situation. The obvious solution is to pour a bucket of soapy water onto him while he sleeps (I'm sure you've thought of that). But it will get your bed wet. A better thing to do is to stop showering yourself. Then go for regular long walks or maybe take up marathoning and sweating to the oldies. I know this will only make things smell worse around the house, but, in the long run, the only way to defeat a stinker is to out stink them. Another option is to play a game I like to call: "Want to get some nookie? Then time to get hosed down in the backyard!"
-DR. Sadie
working (too) hard?
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie: It's Friday, and I'm stuck at work.Where did I go wrong?
-Mario, Leblanc Canada
A: Mario, You didn't go wrong. You should be working! You should work saturdays too, and half of Sunday. That's the only way to ensure you will be properly miserable and angry, which is the natural state of all human beings. Please write me back Sunday from work so that I know you are doing your job.
-DR. Sadie
-Mario, Leblanc Canada
A: Mario, You didn't go wrong. You should be working! You should work saturdays too, and half of Sunday. That's the only way to ensure you will be properly miserable and angry, which is the natural state of all human beings. Please write me back Sunday from work so that I know you are doing your job.
-DR. Sadie
car advice
Q: dear sadie, my car has been acting up. should i just fix the one i have or get a new one?
-Joe
A: Joe, do I look like Click or Clack? It is not a lady's place to answer car questions. Please write me back with baking questions, which I also will refuse to answer on the grounds they are sexist. Generally speaking: fix your car. Buying new stuff is what status-conscious people do. Or buy a new one, but only one that is unattractive so as to reinforce your lack of interest in being hip. Are Pinto's still on the market?
-DR. Sadie
-Joe
A: Joe, do I look like Click or Clack? It is not a lady's place to answer car questions. Please write me back with baking questions, which I also will refuse to answer on the grounds they are sexist. Generally speaking: fix your car. Buying new stuff is what status-conscious people do. Or buy a new one, but only one that is unattractive so as to reinforce your lack of interest in being hip. Are Pinto's still on the market?
-DR. Sadie
three-timing
Q: Dear Vicious Broad,
I am a young man in my early thirties and I currently have three lovely girlfriends. The thing is, I am cheating on all three of them with the other two. Now, in all the movies I have ever seen when a man is an unrepentant cheater then the “wronged” women always gang up on him in very abusive ways to teach him a lesson.
But in my situation all of the girls know about the others and they are fine with it. What am I doing wrong? Or, is everything just fine and I should leave things alone. I always feel uneasy whenever my life doesn’t match up with whatever the media says it should be. Help me Sadie.
-Signed, In lotsa love
A: Dear uneasy, here's your main problem: whining! You have three girlfriends and none of them mind. They're the ones with the problem! I say you continue to go galavanting about with your non-commital ways, enjoying the fruits of your situation. Everything will be just fine until one day when one of the gals gets wise, puts a whole bunch of laxative in your hot chocolate and then writes on a post on her myspace page about what a jerk you are (and how you can't handle your laxative). Then you'll never date anyone again and you won't feel uneasy.
-DR. Sadie
I am a young man in my early thirties and I currently have three lovely girlfriends. The thing is, I am cheating on all three of them with the other two. Now, in all the movies I have ever seen when a man is an unrepentant cheater then the “wronged” women always gang up on him in very abusive ways to teach him a lesson.
But in my situation all of the girls know about the others and they are fine with it. What am I doing wrong? Or, is everything just fine and I should leave things alone. I always feel uneasy whenever my life doesn’t match up with whatever the media says it should be. Help me Sadie.
-Signed, In lotsa love
A: Dear uneasy, here's your main problem: whining! You have three girlfriends and none of them mind. They're the ones with the problem! I say you continue to go galavanting about with your non-commital ways, enjoying the fruits of your situation. Everything will be just fine until one day when one of the gals gets wise, puts a whole bunch of laxative in your hot chocolate and then writes on a post on her myspace page about what a jerk you are (and how you can't handle your laxative). Then you'll never date anyone again and you won't feel uneasy.
-DR. Sadie
my favorite comic strip
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie, My favorite comic strip, Pibgorn, is no longer available online. What am I going to do? Please help.
-David
A: David, let me begin by correcting the typos in your letter. It should read: Dear Dr. Sadie, My favorite comic strip, Rudy Park, is awesome, hilarious and has that endearing and sexy Dr. Sadie. But I read it online because it's not in my local newspaper. What am I going to do?
It's simple, David: Write a note to your local newspaper telling them that you need Rudy Park to be published and, almost certainly, if they publish it, they will make the world a better, happier place.
I hope this answers your very insightful query.
-DR. Sadie
-David
A: David, let me begin by correcting the typos in your letter. It should read: Dear Dr. Sadie, My favorite comic strip, Rudy Park, is awesome, hilarious and has that endearing and sexy Dr. Sadie. But I read it online because it's not in my local newspaper. What am I going to do?
It's simple, David: Write a note to your local newspaper telling them that you need Rudy Park to be published and, almost certainly, if they publish it, they will make the world a better, happier place.
I hope this answers your very insightful query.
-DR. Sadie
how to win back a man
Q: How can I get my boyfriend to pay more attention to me? We have been together for over a year and he has changed from a sweet, adoring lover to a listless, boring oaf who spends more time drooling over this British skank at his work than he does appreciating what he's got right at home. What should I do to win back his affection?
- Sincerely, Hopelessly in Love, British Columbia, Canada
A: Dear hopeless (if I might call you that for short): Are you #*%& kidding me?! Don't try to win back this dork's affections. Demand it. But be an adult about it. Write a polite, mature note explaining that you deserve respect and devotion, that you need some time to think things over and that if he wants to know how to extract said note from the inside of his left nostril, he should use pliers.
-DR. Sadie
- Sincerely, Hopelessly in Love, British Columbia, Canada
A: Dear hopeless (if I might call you that for short): Are you #*%& kidding me?! Don't try to win back this dork's affections. Demand it. But be an adult about it. Write a polite, mature note explaining that you deserve respect and devotion, that you need some time to think things over and that if he wants to know how to extract said note from the inside of his left nostril, he should use pliers.
-DR. Sadie
omniscient barking beagle
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie,I live in a high rise building with balconies. Two floors down just below my bedroom window lives a fat beagle who spends a lot of time on his balcony. The fat beagle always begins barking just when I go to bed. How does the fat beagle know this? Is the fat beagle possessed? Am I possessed? Please tell me.
-Ron
A: Ron, this is a silly question about a silly supernatural subject. Is the dog possessed? Are you possessed? Of course not. That kind of thinking is absurd. Much more likely is that you and the dog were friend or soulmates in a previous life. Does the dog look familiar? Does it smell familiar? Could you imagine working with it in the fields three centuries ago -- you as a fieldhand and the dog as another field hand, possibly with big floppy ears. This seems like a more realistic explanation. Regardless, the best thing to do is start taking naps during the day to see if the dog barks. If so, move to Ireland.
-DR. Sadie
-Ron
A: Ron, this is a silly question about a silly supernatural subject. Is the dog possessed? Are you possessed? Of course not. That kind of thinking is absurd. Much more likely is that you and the dog were friend or soulmates in a previous life. Does the dog look familiar? Does it smell familiar? Could you imagine working with it in the fields three centuries ago -- you as a fieldhand and the dog as another field hand, possibly with big floppy ears. This seems like a more realistic explanation. Regardless, the best thing to do is start taking naps during the day to see if the dog barks. If so, move to Ireland.
-DR. Sadie
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
the business of stripping
Q: Dear Aunt Sadie,I'm an extremely handsome comics editor who has numerous dates with manydifferent ladies each week. Unfortunately, the chronic lateness of one of our most talented contributors prevents me from meeting many of these belles on time, resulting in hurt feelings, hasty explanations and occasionally, an asty pinot noir stain on my jacket. My natural charm can't carry the day forever. How can I convince this artist to turn in his comics on time?
-Harried in New York
A: Dear Harried, this sounds like a very difficult problem. Chronic lateness is not a good trait, never to be admired, and particularly painful if the person who is late has delusions of grandeur. Many, many years ago, my great, great Aunt Freda was late all the time, and my great great grandfather grew so frustrated that he traded her to some Europeans for a beef roast. Still, I must add a caveat. From the way you describe it, this talented contributor sounds very, very talented, extremely handsome in his own right, and doubtless flabberghasted by the fact that despite his efforts to churn out an incredible strip, no one ever sells it into new newspapers or seems to care that he exists. Which is whiny and no excuse for lateness. I recommend trading this contributor for a side of beef. In the meantime, he'll get with the program.
-DR. Sadie
-Harried in New York
A: Dear Harried, this sounds like a very difficult problem. Chronic lateness is not a good trait, never to be admired, and particularly painful if the person who is late has delusions of grandeur. Many, many years ago, my great, great Aunt Freda was late all the time, and my great great grandfather grew so frustrated that he traded her to some Europeans for a beef roast. Still, I must add a caveat. From the way you describe it, this talented contributor sounds very, very talented, extremely handsome in his own right, and doubtless flabberghasted by the fact that despite his efforts to churn out an incredible strip, no one ever sells it into new newspapers or seems to care that he exists. Which is whiny and no excuse for lateness. I recommend trading this contributor for a side of beef. In the meantime, he'll get with the program.
-DR. Sadie
Sibling rivalry
Q: My daughters fight all the time. How can I get them to stop?
-BW, Washington State
A: BW, sadly, this is a foolish question. Why would you want your daughters to stop fighting? Why I myself in the early 1930s did 10 rounds with my older sister at Madison Square Garden. It toughened me and, later, whenever a young fella got too fresh with me, I smacked him right into the noggin. Don't discourage fighting, but also don't gamble on which daughter will win. That teaches bad values.
-DR. Sadie
-BW, Washington State
A: BW, sadly, this is a foolish question. Why would you want your daughters to stop fighting? Why I myself in the early 1930s did 10 rounds with my older sister at Madison Square Garden. It toughened me and, later, whenever a young fella got too fresh with me, I smacked him right into the noggin. Don't discourage fighting, but also don't gamble on which daughter will win. That teaches bad values.
-DR. Sadie
cracking up
Q: my neighbor's loud cracking of lobsters is driving me crazy! what can i do?
- Basil
A: You think you've got it bad. Imagine how the lobster's feel. But we're not in the business of advising sympathy. The best thing you can do is to get an even larger sea animal -- maybe a giant squid -- and start a cookout on their lawn. the smell should drive them nuts. Revenge is best served smelly, or something like that.
-DR. Sadie
- Basil
A: You think you've got it bad. Imagine how the lobster's feel. But we're not in the business of advising sympathy. The best thing you can do is to get an even larger sea animal -- maybe a giant squid -- and start a cookout on their lawn. the smell should drive them nuts. Revenge is best served smelly, or something like that.
-DR. Sadie
a mouthful of wisdom (the global conspiracy)
Q: Dear Rudy.Who really runs this country?
-Craig Cobb
A: Craig
I'm not sure why you've addressed this note to Rudy, since it is my advice column. But I'll answer anyway because you've asked an important question. This country is run by Coca Cola. In a partnership with Pepsi and the nation's dentists. And don't think you can do anything about it; just buy your sodas and lemonades and bottled sports drinks, get your cavities and try not to make a big stink that could bring trouble on you and your family.
-DR. Sadie
-Craig Cobb
A: Craig
I'm not sure why you've addressed this note to Rudy, since it is my advice column. But I'll answer anyway because you've asked an important question. This country is run by Coca Cola. In a partnership with Pepsi and the nation's dentists. And don't think you can do anything about it; just buy your sodas and lemonades and bottled sports drinks, get your cavities and try not to make a big stink that could bring trouble on you and your family.
-DR. Sadie
What the #*^&
Q: Hi, this is Jane. Hi Dr. Sadie, thank you for taking my call. It’s an honor to talk to you. I’ll just get right to the point, and if you need any background info I can fill you in. My aunt told me and my mother that she thought “weaner cabin” was spelled “weener cabin”. This has caused tremendous uncomfortableness as I have reason to believe she uses “weener” to mean “wiener”. I think it is immoral to say this and really offends my sensibles. It’s really upsetting as I have always used “weener” as a fun word and not offensive, but for her to use this against me in this manner is more than I can handle. Please help – we have a family dinner coming up and I don’t know if I can be in the same room as she is. How do I handle this without splitting up the family?
-Jane
A: I'm extremely confused by your message. In my family, if someone called someone else a Weener or a Wiener, regardless of how it was spelled, the name caller would have their bed short-sheeted and possibly wake up with their eyebrows shaved off. However, this may not be pertinent to your question, which I don't understand in the slightest. If you wish to elaborate, please add something in the comment section and I -- or some other reader -- will chime in.
-DR. Sadie
-Jane
A: I'm extremely confused by your message. In my family, if someone called someone else a Weener or a Wiener, regardless of how it was spelled, the name caller would have their bed short-sheeted and possibly wake up with their eyebrows shaved off. However, this may not be pertinent to your question, which I don't understand in the slightest. If you wish to elaborate, please add something in the comment section and I -- or some other reader -- will chime in.
-DR. Sadie
Invaders seeking sugar
Q: Dear Sadie,
How long until USA invade us, as we have plenty of ethanol and biodiesel?
-Jean, 32, Brazil
A: Jean, as you know, America is currently methodically going down a list of all the nation's country's and invading them. I thought we'd already gotten through the "B's" so I just assumed we'd already invaded Brazil. I'm sure it will be soon. Please bake us some cookies so our soldiers can have a snack when they arrive. Also, can you pack up the ethanol and biodiesel so we can carry it with us when we go? Thanks for the help.
-DR. Sadie
How long until USA invade us, as we have plenty of ethanol and biodiesel?
-Jean, 32, Brazil
A: Jean, as you know, America is currently methodically going down a list of all the nation's country's and invading them. I thought we'd already gotten through the "B's" so I just assumed we'd already invaded Brazil. I'm sure it will be soon. Please bake us some cookies so our soldiers can have a snack when they arrive. Also, can you pack up the ethanol and biodiesel so we can carry it with us when we go? Thanks for the help.
-DR. Sadie
man seeking (classy) dame
Q: Dear Sadie,I would like to make a female friend but have found the all the girls at my university are witless classless skanks. What alternatives do I have?
-Justin
A: Hey, I can think of a good way to attract women: call them skanks! (please note the extremely sarcastic tone). First, clean up your trashy mouth. That's no way to talk under any circumstances. Second, act like the kind of person you want to attract. Third, buy a t-shirt with my picture on it (you can do so on this very site). If women don't find you attractive at that point, well, frankly, they are classless skanks.
-DR. Sadie
-Justin
A: Hey, I can think of a good way to attract women: call them skanks! (please note the extremely sarcastic tone). First, clean up your trashy mouth. That's no way to talk under any circumstances. Second, act like the kind of person you want to attract. Third, buy a t-shirt with my picture on it (you can do so on this very site). If women don't find you attractive at that point, well, frankly, they are classless skanks.
-DR. Sadie
acting like a kid?
Q: Dear Sadie,
I’m a 35 year-old struggling actor trying to make my big break. Should I get a job and move out of my parents basement and act part-time, or should I stay in their basement where I can afford to try to act full-time?
-Still Hoping, Burbank, California
A: This depends. You should stay in the basement and act full time if the role you're taking on is that of a free loading son. Get out in the world, get hungry, get lean, get mean, then get the one thing needed by all successeful actors: surgical enhancements. But you can't do that at home because you'll never earn enough dough, plus, they probably don't allow surgery in the basement.
-DR. Sadie
I’m a 35 year-old struggling actor trying to make my big break. Should I get a job and move out of my parents basement and act part-time, or should I stay in their basement where I can afford to try to act full-time?
-Still Hoping, Burbank, California
A: This depends. You should stay in the basement and act full time if the role you're taking on is that of a free loading son. Get out in the world, get hungry, get lean, get mean, then get the one thing needed by all successeful actors: surgical enhancements. But you can't do that at home because you'll never earn enough dough, plus, they probably don't allow surgery in the basement.
-DR. Sadie
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
college professor Exxxposed
Hello, Sadie!
It's your common sense and no-nonsense approach to ettiquette that makes me ask the following question:
I have a college professor who occassionally lectures with his fly unzipped. It's distracting as heck, but nobody wants to scream out, "zip up your fly" during the class, or bring up this issue before or after lectures. It would be embarrassing to him, and nobody in the class wants to look like they spend three hours staring at a fifty year old's crotch...
What to do? How to breach this unsightly topic?
Thanks again,
-Nomika
A: Nomika, I am almost speechless. That last happened (me being speechless) in 1945 when Eleanor Roosevelt wore a skirt that showed too much knee during an Allied Victory party in Times Square. I blushed for four months, and still can't talk about the experience in front of a GI. So this thing with your professor makes me a little uncomfortable, especially if the professor isn't especially tall and attractive. Does he have a nice thick head of hair? I digress. Here's my answer... If this professor left his fly down once, it might be a broken zipper. Twice would be stupidity. Three times or more, I'm starting to wonder. Is it really an accident? What's he lecturing about -- snakes? you have three choices: ignore him, write an anonymous note explaining that he should keep his curriculum vitae better covered, or change your major to something where the professors all wear rain slickers outside their clothes. I suppose that would be meteorology.
-DR. Sadie
It's your common sense and no-nonsense approach to ettiquette that makes me ask the following question:
I have a college professor who occassionally lectures with his fly unzipped. It's distracting as heck, but nobody wants to scream out, "zip up your fly" during the class, or bring up this issue before or after lectures. It would be embarrassing to him, and nobody in the class wants to look like they spend three hours staring at a fifty year old's crotch...
What to do? How to breach this unsightly topic?
Thanks again,
-Nomika
A: Nomika, I am almost speechless. That last happened (me being speechless) in 1945 when Eleanor Roosevelt wore a skirt that showed too much knee during an Allied Victory party in Times Square. I blushed for four months, and still can't talk about the experience in front of a GI. So this thing with your professor makes me a little uncomfortable, especially if the professor isn't especially tall and attractive. Does he have a nice thick head of hair? I digress. Here's my answer... If this professor left his fly down once, it might be a broken zipper. Twice would be stupidity. Three times or more, I'm starting to wonder. Is it really an accident? What's he lecturing about -- snakes? you have three choices: ignore him, write an anonymous note explaining that he should keep his curriculum vitae better covered, or change your major to something where the professors all wear rain slickers outside their clothes. I suppose that would be meteorology.
-DR. Sadie
Sunday, April 8, 2007
love or witchcraft
Q: Dear Lady, Sorry about the demise of your husband. I need your advice. I'm in love with a guy who is my friend. We've known each other for years, but I want to go deeper now. I don't want to risk losing his friendship, but I love him. What should I do?
-heartsick and hopeful in the OC
A: H&H, i had a great great grandmother, Madeline Cohen. She faced the same problem many years ago. She invited the man she loved over for a romantic dinner, made him dinner, then explained to him that if he didn't go deeper with her she would tell everyone in the village that his sister was a witch practiced in the dark arts. it was a pretty rough threat (and not at all based in truth), but great great grandma cohen was a real romantic who would do anything for love. Those, of course, were different times. anyhow...what was the question again? Oh yes, what to do about your true love... Make him cookies and give him a nice note about your feeling. If that doesn't work, does he have a sister?
-DR. Sadie
-heartsick and hopeful in the OC
A: H&H, i had a great great grandmother, Madeline Cohen. She faced the same problem many years ago. She invited the man she loved over for a romantic dinner, made him dinner, then explained to him that if he didn't go deeper with her she would tell everyone in the village that his sister was a witch practiced in the dark arts. it was a pretty rough threat (and not at all based in truth), but great great grandma cohen was a real romantic who would do anything for love. Those, of course, were different times. anyhow...what was the question again? Oh yes, what to do about your true love... Make him cookies and give him a nice note about your feeling. If that doesn't work, does he have a sister?
-DR. Sadie
cheat and prosper
Q: Hello Doc, my boyfriend just broke up with me and I REALLY love him. He hooked up with this other girl now and he's "Happy". How can I get him to come back to me?
-Desperate, cute pouty face
A: Dear CPF, in my day, if a fella broke up with us and it hurt our feelings, we secretly submitted his name to the draft board. You don't have that option. I recommend taking a mature approach and hooking up with your boyfriend's best friend (I assume that by "hooking up" we're talking about holding hands during daylight in front of chaperones). Also, lose the goofy nickname. It makes me want to break up with you too.
-DR. Sadie
-Desperate, cute pouty face
A: Dear CPF, in my day, if a fella broke up with us and it hurt our feelings, we secretly submitted his name to the draft board. You don't have that option. I recommend taking a mature approach and hooking up with your boyfriend's best friend (I assume that by "hooking up" we're talking about holding hands during daylight in front of chaperones). Also, lose the goofy nickname. It makes me want to break up with you too.
-DR. Sadie
very naughty
Q: My Wife is a Nurse, every time we make love she insists on wearing rubber gloves. Should I bath more?
-signed, is Once a Week Not Enough
A: The best way to have intimacy is for both people to wear numerous layers of clothes, cover their exposed parts in anti-bacterial sanitizer and sit at opposite ends of the couch and have stilted conversation. This is how we lear1ned it in my day, and that's should be good enough for you. Twice a year at least!
-DR. Sadie
-signed, is Once a Week Not Enough
A: The best way to have intimacy is for both people to wear numerous layers of clothes, cover their exposed parts in anti-bacterial sanitizer and sit at opposite ends of the couch and have stilted conversation. This is how we lear1ned it in my day, and that's should be good enough for you. Twice a year at least!
-DR. Sadie
how I stay so sexy
Q: Q: How to you stay so sexy? It that what done in Mort?
-Al in Ky
A: Al, thank you for the insightful question. The world needs more men like you. How do I stay so sexy? Yelling at idiots. It gets the poisons out of my body, which in turn keeps my skin smooth and my hair rich and luscious. Try it sometime. Just find an idiot (like Rudy, or anyone like him), begin lambasting them, and see how alluring you suddenly become. Also I exercise and use a lot of moisturizer.
-DR. Sadie
-Al in Ky
A: Al, thank you for the insightful question. The world needs more men like you. How do I stay so sexy? Yelling at idiots. It gets the poisons out of my body, which in turn keeps my skin smooth and my hair rich and luscious. Try it sometime. Just find an idiot (like Rudy, or anyone like him), begin lambasting them, and see how alluring you suddenly become. Also I exercise and use a lot of moisturizer.
-DR. Sadie
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Talking to Strangers
Q:
Dear Sadie:
My friend Sadie (Oh; not her real name and not a real doctor) seems to be having trouble connecting with people lately.
I fear she may soon start begging strangers to listen to her!
What should I do?
-Concerned in Denver
A: Dear Concerned: (1) Take your friend to the park, (2) Leave her on a park bench. (3) Dress up like a stranger -- Abraham Lincoln or Britney Spears are good costumes. (4) Come up to your friend, while in disguise. (5) Start a conversation with her. (6) Connect with her, befriend her, get her confidence up. (7) Urge her to write you a big check. (8) Use the money to take yourself on a trip to Hawaii. You deserve to treat yourself well for being such a good friend. Remember to remove your disguise before you get to airport security!
-DR. Sadie
Dear Sadie:
My friend Sadie (Oh; not her real name and not a real doctor) seems to be having trouble connecting with people lately.
I fear she may soon start begging strangers to listen to her!
What should I do?
-Concerned in Denver
A: Dear Concerned: (1) Take your friend to the park, (2) Leave her on a park bench. (3) Dress up like a stranger -- Abraham Lincoln or Britney Spears are good costumes. (4) Come up to your friend, while in disguise. (5) Start a conversation with her. (6) Connect with her, befriend her, get her confidence up. (7) Urge her to write you a big check. (8) Use the money to take yourself on a trip to Hawaii. You deserve to treat yourself well for being such a good friend. Remember to remove your disguise before you get to airport security!
-DR. Sadie
Chatty Wife
Q: Sadie,My wife seems to have a constant need to require more information than is necessary out of any statement that I make. For example, I might say something like, "Honey, I'm home." and she says "Oh, you mean your coworker Mike and his wife had their baby? Tell me all the details." In fact, now that I think about it, all you women seem to have this requirement. Is it hard coded into your genes, or something? What can I, as a man, do to tone down or eliminate this annoying habit? Thanks.
-Schadeboy, Sierra Vista, AZ
A: Dear Schadeboy, or should I call you whineboy? Just so I'm clear: are you asking me -- a woman -- for advice even as you also insult all women by calling us annoying busy bodies? You're like all men. You complain about women. But you need us -- to listen to you, make your food, clean up your piles of stinky laundry, show you how to dress properly and be polite in company. And to give you advice over the Internet! Now go in the other room, apologize to your wife, tell her everything she wants to know, give her a foot rub and buy her a Rudy Park coffee mug as a gift. Penance!**
-DR. Sadie
**Dr. Sadie, like all female cartoon characters, is not above shameless marketing tactics.
-Schadeboy, Sierra Vista, AZ
A: Dear Schadeboy, or should I call you whineboy? Just so I'm clear: are you asking me -- a woman -- for advice even as you also insult all women by calling us annoying busy bodies? You're like all men. You complain about women. But you need us -- to listen to you, make your food, clean up your piles of stinky laundry, show you how to dress properly and be polite in company. And to give you advice over the Internet! Now go in the other room, apologize to your wife, tell her everything she wants to know, give her a foot rub and buy her a Rudy Park coffee mug as a gift. Penance!**
-DR. Sadie
**Dr. Sadie, like all female cartoon characters, is not above shameless marketing tactics.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Big Tubes Addiction
Q: I just read that another car manufacturer is planning to put televisions into the back seat of their cars. I think we are drowning in a sea of television. What do you think?
-Turned off By the Tube
A: Dear Turned Off. You're absolutely #*^&^ right. The *#@* spread of ^#@ TV makes me so freakin' sick. The @^* stupid TV executives and the @&%& idiotic advertisers and the @&%& zoned-out kids and their @*%& TVs. All TVs should be blown-up and thrown into the @*^& ocean. Except the ones that play Jeopardy. That show should be on around the clock, in all locations, including cars, trains, airplanes and bathrooms. It should be required viewing during all school hours. Also, all Yankee games. Hope that clears things up.
Sadie
-Turned off By the Tube
A: Dear Turned Off. You're absolutely #*^&^ right. The *#@* spread of ^#@ TV makes me so freakin' sick. The @^* stupid TV executives and the @&%& idiotic advertisers and the @&%& zoned-out kids and their @*%& TVs. All TVs should be blown-up and thrown into the @*^& ocean. Except the ones that play Jeopardy. That show should be on around the clock, in all locations, including cars, trains, airplanes and bathrooms. It should be required viewing during all school hours. Also, all Yankee games. Hope that clears things up.
Sadie
Astute Career Counseling
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie - I was very sorry to learn of Mort's passing, but am delighted to see you getting on with your life (even if you are a comic strip character).
Should I pursue a career in geriatric nursing with a specialty in speech pathology (the latter in order to assist victims of stroke in communication)? Please advise.....
-Tracy
A: Tracy, rarely do I deign to give anyone actual advice, as all of you cretins are beneath me and my wise counsel. But in this case, I thank you for your comment on Mort's passing and I will take your heartfet question steriously. I strongly advise you to pursue a career in baseball. the best job in the world is playing 3rd base for the New York Yankees. If you get that job, I would appreciate if you would introduce me to Derek Jeter, the hunky shortstop. If you insist on pursuing that other job -- the one for old people -- then try to visit the pharmacy ad get me some Icy Hot rubbing creme which I can put in Rudy's shorts. Hope this helps wth your difficult decision.
-DR. Sadie
Should I pursue a career in geriatric nursing with a specialty in speech pathology (the latter in order to assist victims of stroke in communication)? Please advise.....
-Tracy
A: Tracy, rarely do I deign to give anyone actual advice, as all of you cretins are beneath me and my wise counsel. But in this case, I thank you for your comment on Mort's passing and I will take your heartfet question steriously. I strongly advise you to pursue a career in baseball. the best job in the world is playing 3rd base for the New York Yankees. If you get that job, I would appreciate if you would introduce me to Derek Jeter, the hunky shortstop. If you insist on pursuing that other job -- the one for old people -- then try to visit the pharmacy ad get me some Icy Hot rubbing creme which I can put in Rudy's shorts. Hope this helps wth your difficult decision.
-DR. Sadie
Personal Global Warming Tips
Q: Dr Sadie Cohen,
How can I as an individual fight global warming?
Thank you,
- Karima, 21 years old, paris, France
A: Go Suck on an Ice Cube!
-DR. Sadie
How can I as an individual fight global warming?
Thank you,
- Karima, 21 years old, paris, France
A: Go Suck on an Ice Cube!
-DR. Sadie
Socialism and a spanking
Q: OK. Talk about socialism in latin america against USA imperial control (including, blacks, indians, inmigrants, etc..)
Please be funny
-Juan
A: Juan, are you looking for advice or assigning me an essay? the last time someone assigned me one of those #*^&^ essays, it was Ms. Dempsey in 1930 in a high school history class. the topic was, "discuss the rise of fascism." I still remember my essay. I wrote, "Dear Principal Smith, it pains me so much to write this letter. But I think Ms. Dempsey has a crush on Stalin. One day after class, I saw her handing out leaflets promoting a Russian invasion of Hawaii. You should have her arrested and give me an A. Or I'll tell everyone you're a communist. With deep regards, Sadie, grade 10." I hope that answers your question, Juan.
-DR. Sadie
Please be funny
-Juan
A: Juan, are you looking for advice or assigning me an essay? the last time someone assigned me one of those #*^&^ essays, it was Ms. Dempsey in 1930 in a high school history class. the topic was, "discuss the rise of fascism." I still remember my essay. I wrote, "Dear Principal Smith, it pains me so much to write this letter. But I think Ms. Dempsey has a crush on Stalin. One day after class, I saw her handing out leaflets promoting a Russian invasion of Hawaii. You should have her arrested and give me an A. Or I'll tell everyone you're a communist. With deep regards, Sadie, grade 10." I hope that answers your question, Juan.
-DR. Sadie
Advice for old people with rashes
Q: Dear Dr. Cohen:
Why is it that whenever anything crappy happens to me, the so-called "experts" say, It's what happens to men over fifty.
Wether it's a rash, gas or I mess myself, it's what happens to men over fifty. It doesn't help. There's no cure for "Man Over Fifty".
Have a Nice Friggin' Day,
-Olderguy Geezerman
A: Dear Olderguy, there's only one kind of person who would send such a dumb question. A Man over Fifty.
-A fine and rashless lady over 80
Why is it that whenever anything crappy happens to me, the so-called "experts" say, It's what happens to men over fifty.
Wether it's a rash, gas or I mess myself, it's what happens to men over fifty. It doesn't help. There's no cure for "Man Over Fifty".
Have a Nice Friggin' Day,
-Olderguy Geezerman
A: Dear Olderguy, there's only one kind of person who would send such a dumb question. A Man over Fifty.
-A fine and rashless lady over 80
Torn in half at work
Q: Dear Sadie,
I have been working at the same job now for over 10 years. It seems to have peaked about 3 years ago. I dont see a future but I would miss the people very much, What should I do? I want to have a stable but rewarding future but can not see myself working with any group of people that are as good a team as this one. Please help.
-Edwin
A: Edwin, this is a difficult question. On the one hand, I don't really care if your future is stable or rewarding. And on the other hand, I'm not interesting in whether you work with a good team. So, like you, I'm torn. Good luck!
-DR. Sadie
I have been working at the same job now for over 10 years. It seems to have peaked about 3 years ago. I dont see a future but I would miss the people very much, What should I do? I want to have a stable but rewarding future but can not see myself working with any group of people that are as good a team as this one. Please help.
-Edwin
A: Edwin, this is a difficult question. On the one hand, I don't really care if your future is stable or rewarding. And on the other hand, I'm not interesting in whether you work with a good team. So, like you, I'm torn. Good luck!
-DR. Sadie
Q: Dear Sadie, I compose noise music. If you haven't heard of it, that means music that sounds like, well, noise. I had the idea that people could commission me to write noise music for them, so I put up a couple of auctions on eBay. My problem is that nobody is bidding. Do you have an idea about how I can convince people to pay me to make noise? Thanks,
-Celeste, Berkeley
A: I have a recurring dream where I get sent away in a rocketship with Mick Jaggar. It is just the two of us and he feeds me grapes, sings "Satisfaction" and kisses my toes with his big, pout lips. But I think you're a woman and you sound too poor to buy us a rocketship to go to space, so I 'm not interested in your music. Hope that helps.
-DR. Sadie
-Celeste, Berkeley
A: I have a recurring dream where I get sent away in a rocketship with Mick Jaggar. It is just the two of us and he feeds me grapes, sings "Satisfaction" and kisses my toes with his big, pout lips. But I think you're a woman and you sound too poor to buy us a rocketship to go to space, so I 'm not interested in your music. Hope that helps.
-DR. Sadie
Q: Dear Sadie,
should I get married?
-Mark
A: Dear Mark, in order to answer your question, some people would want to know about your prospective bride: what's she's like, how you feel about her, how you guys get along. These people are wimps! I can tell you without certainty that you should not get married. No way. Or, alternatively, you should get married. I feel strongly about this. I hope you find my advice useful and please give your prospective wife my warm regards, or tell her I said to get lost. Either way.
-DR. Sadie
should I get married?
-Mark
A: Dear Mark, in order to answer your question, some people would want to know about your prospective bride: what's she's like, how you feel about her, how you guys get along. These people are wimps! I can tell you without certainty that you should not get married. No way. Or, alternatively, you should get married. I feel strongly about this. I hope you find my advice useful and please give your prospective wife my warm regards, or tell her I said to get lost. Either way.
-DR. Sadie
Q: I AM A DEMOCRAT THAT IS CHANGING INTO A REPUBILCAN. IT FEELS STRANGE BUT SOME WHAT LIBERATING
PLEASE ADVISE
-Dave
A: Dave, you make it sound like you are going through a metamorphisis from a larva, through the pupa stage and to an adult. Frankly, that sounds disgusting. Especially the pupa part. Why do you come to me with such gross questions?!
-DR. Sadie
PLEASE ADVISE
-Dave
A: Dave, you make it sound like you are going through a metamorphisis from a larva, through the pupa stage and to an adult. Frankly, that sounds disgusting. Especially the pupa part. Why do you come to me with such gross questions?!
-DR. Sadie
Q: My girl says we should see other people… What do you suggest?
-Mack, Colorado Springs, Co
A: Mack, if that is your real name, if your girl wants to see other people, you should let her. It's important that you approach this in a mature, adult fashion. For instance, you should not necessarily throw all her stuff on the lawn, call her a hussy, then anonymously telephone the local newspaper and rat out your girlfriend as the cause of Global Warming. At least not necessarily in that order.
-DR. Sadie
-Mack, Colorado Springs, Co
A: Mack, if that is your real name, if your girl wants to see other people, you should let her. It's important that you approach this in a mature, adult fashion. For instance, you should not necessarily throw all her stuff on the lawn, call her a hussy, then anonymously telephone the local newspaper and rat out your girlfriend as the cause of Global Warming. At least not necessarily in that order.
-DR. Sadie
Q: Hey Doc...
For 13 years I've been the sole money-earner in our family. After the kids got in school, my wife decided to get her teachers degree. She's since finished and has gotten a job teaching. After she got her job, I decided it was time for me to switch careers and I'm getting my REALTOR's license. I've done all my schooling and I'm waiting for my background check to comeback so I can get my license. In the meantime, I'm spending more time at home, taking care of the kids after school, doing housework, running errands, etc. Things she used to do, but can't now that she's working.
Here's the problem. I'm actually enjoying the change of pace being a "Mr. Mom". Is that wrong? What should I do if I find myself one day watching a back to back Oprah/Dr. Phil shows?
Help me!
-Tony, Mayfield, KY
A: First, congratulations. You've managed to get your wife to do the work while you stay home watching TV. Second: background check? Also brilliant. I assume that your plan is to fail the background check (easy to do if you anonymously tip the State Real Estate Licensing Board off to your college arrest record). Then tell your wife you tried to get a job, failed the background check, and that you're too depressed to work OR care for the kids and you that in order to cheer up, you really need her to give you a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a foot rub.
-DR. Sadie
For 13 years I've been the sole money-earner in our family. After the kids got in school, my wife decided to get her teachers degree. She's since finished and has gotten a job teaching. After she got her job, I decided it was time for me to switch careers and I'm getting my REALTOR's license. I've done all my schooling and I'm waiting for my background check to comeback so I can get my license. In the meantime, I'm spending more time at home, taking care of the kids after school, doing housework, running errands, etc. Things she used to do, but can't now that she's working.
Here's the problem. I'm actually enjoying the change of pace being a "Mr. Mom". Is that wrong? What should I do if I find myself one day watching a back to back Oprah/Dr. Phil shows?
Help me!
-Tony, Mayfield, KY
A: First, congratulations. You've managed to get your wife to do the work while you stay home watching TV. Second: background check? Also brilliant. I assume that your plan is to fail the background check (easy to do if you anonymously tip the State Real Estate Licensing Board off to your college arrest record). Then tell your wife you tried to get a job, failed the background check, and that you're too depressed to work OR care for the kids and you that in order to cheer up, you really need her to give you a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a foot rub.
-DR. Sadie
Q: Dear Dr. Sadie, My boyfriend (of 9 months) never wants to ... you know. He says it's cause he's getting older and he doesn't care that much about it anymore. But he's only 28!! What do I do?
- Sick of begging
A: What kind of man is he? What kind of real man wouldn't want to cuddle up with his girl, get romantic and...watch Jeopardy? I assume that's what we're talking about here. If so, here's my response: The category is "What is Dump His Scrawny Butt!" The answer is: What You're Going to Do to Your Frigid, Whiny Boyfriend!
-DR. Sadie
- Sick of begging
A: What kind of man is he? What kind of real man wouldn't want to cuddle up with his girl, get romantic and...watch Jeopardy? I assume that's what we're talking about here. If so, here's my response: The category is "What is Dump His Scrawny Butt!" The answer is: What You're Going to Do to Your Frigid, Whiny Boyfriend!
-DR. Sadie
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