Q: Hello Doc, my boyfriend just broke up with me and I REALLY love him. He hooked up with this other girl now and he's "Happy". How can I get him to come back to me?
-Desperate, cute pouty face
A: Dear CPF, in my day, if a fella broke up with us and it hurt our feelings, we secretly submitted his name to the draft board. You don't have that option. I recommend taking a mature approach and hooking up with your boyfriend's best friend (I assume that by "hooking up" we're talking about holding hands during daylight in front of chaperones). Also, lose the goofy nickname. It makes me want to break up with you too.
-DR. Sadie
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