cracking up

Q: my neighbor's loud cracking of lobsters is driving me crazy! what can i do?
- Basil

A: You think you've got it bad. Imagine how the lobster's feel. But we're not in the business of advising sympathy. The best thing you can do is to get an even larger sea animal -- maybe a giant squid -- and start a cookout on their lawn. the smell should drive them nuts. Revenge is best served smelly, or something like that.
-DR. Sadie