Love And Marriage

Q: Dr. Sadie,This morning I managed to piss off my wife by telling her I loved her. What happened?
-Schadeboy, Sierra Vista, AZ

A: Schadeboy, first a question, and this is a delicate one: are you sure it was your wife you were talking to? I myself have sometimes become distracted and accidentally said something intimate to the wrong person. If, in fact, it was your wife you spoke to, and she got angry, then you are confronting the simple, charming reality that marriage is a death trap that will squeeze the essence from your soul. Either that, or she was low blood sugar.
-DR. Sadie

money grubber?

Q: Dear Dr. Sadie, My wife and I have been married for almost fifteen years. Ever since the wedding, she's stopped having sex with me. I'm starting to think that maybe she was just using sex in order to get me to marry her so she could have access to my millions. What do you think?
-CJ - Boring, OR

A: CJ - these sorts of questions always make me blush. I don't like to use the "s" word and I'm only slightly less comfortable with the "m" word (you know, the thing that two people do when they get committed for life in the presence of their friends and family, and then have lots of appetizers). That said, if you've made it 15 years without "s" then probably you are pretty comfortable with the other "m" word, the "s-l" concept and "d," "o-e" and "w" a lot of jeapardy. Does that make sense?
-DR. Sadie

how to win back a man

Q: How can I get my boyfriend to pay more attention to me? We have been together for over a year and he has changed from a sweet, adoring lover to a listless, boring oaf who spends more time drooling over this British skank at his work than he does appreciating what he's got right at home. What should I do to win back his affection?

- Sincerely, Hopelessly in Love, British Columbia, Canada

A: Dear hopeless (if I might call you that for short): Are you #*%& kidding me?! Don't try to win back this dork's affections. Demand it. But be an adult about it. Write a polite, mature note explaining that you deserve respect and devotion, that you need some time to think things over and that if he wants to know how to extract said note from the inside of his left nostril, he should use pliers.
-DR. Sadie

love or witchcraft

Q: Dear Lady, Sorry about the demise of your husband. I need your advice. I'm in love with a guy who is my friend. We've known each other for years, but I want to go deeper now. I don't want to risk losing his friendship, but I love him. What should I do?
-heartsick and hopeful in the OC

A: H&H, i had a great great grandmother, Madeline Cohen. She faced the same problem many years ago. She invited the man she loved over for a romantic dinner, made him dinner, then explained to him that if he didn't go deeper with her she would tell everyone in the village that his sister was a witch practiced in the dark arts. it was a pretty rough threat (and not at all based in truth), but great great grandma cohen was a real romantic who would do anything for love. Those, of course, were different times. anyhow...what was the question again? Oh yes, what to do about your true love... Make him cookies and give him a nice note about your feeling. If that doesn't work, does he have a sister?
-DR. Sadie