the business of stripping

Q: Dear Aunt Sadie,I'm an extremely handsome comics editor who has numerous dates with manydifferent ladies each week. Unfortunately, the chronic lateness of one of our most talented contributors prevents me from meeting many of these belles on time, resulting in hurt feelings, hasty explanations and occasionally, an asty pinot noir stain on my jacket. My natural charm can't carry the day forever. How can I convince this artist to turn in his comics on time?
-Harried in New York

A: Dear Harried, this sounds like a very difficult problem. Chronic lateness is not a good trait, never to be admired, and particularly painful if the person who is late has delusions of grandeur. Many, many years ago, my great, great Aunt Freda was late all the time, and my great great grandfather grew so frustrated that he traded her to some Europeans for a beef roast. Still, I must add a caveat. From the way you describe it, this talented contributor sounds very, very talented, extremely handsome in his own right, and doubtless flabberghasted by the fact that despite his efforts to churn out an incredible strip, no one ever sells it into new newspapers or seems to care that he exists. Which is whiny and no excuse for lateness. I recommend trading this contributor for a side of beef. In the meantime, he'll get with the program.
-DR. Sadie